Words Unspoken

Silence. It means that there is no sound. Then why does it feel so loud? A cacophony of noises that no one else can hear but me. The sounds of my mind on the verge of insanity, unable to bear the confusion in my thoughts. Blaring silent noise. 

There is something sinister about there being no sound. There is something scarier about words left unspoken.

One person. I don't get it, I never will and i'm not sure if I even want to understand how one person can have have so much control over me and not know it- or maybe know it (I'll never be sure).
They'll never say it and i'll never hear it. Those unspoken words linger in the air teasing and taunting. It's like we're walking in circles. Carefully tiptoeing around something without saying a word. Assuming. Believing. But it's never enough. 

Our brain thrives on asking questions and feeds on answers. So what happens when I don't get the answers I need?

What makes this world a confusing place is that people don't mean everything they say. They rarely do. It makes it difficult for me to figure out what to believe, what to understand. Words are just words I suppose. They have started to lose meaning. When words are often nothing but noise coming out of someones mouth, it might as well be silence. Same difference. Having said this, wouldn't it be easier if people just said what they felt and meant every word? No false pretenses, nothing to be be assumed, no confusion, no noise.

Frenemies?

Life as a high school-er honestly should not be THIS complicated. From rumor mills that have no mercy, to drunken confessions at parties, ugly hallway confrontations and endless games of truth and dare - high school spares nobody. To be honest, the thing that both irks and interests me the most is high school social dynamics. 

Given, it isn't possible to be besties with every person you come across and everyone always has their differences, but is it honestly so hard for people to come out and be open with what they think or feel? It is. And that's what makes being a tenth grader so confusing.

"Frenemies". You see it on T Shirts, watch movie's and read books about the new age foe. Enemies in disguise. Now who are these people and why do they even exist?! Things is, these are just people who have something or the other against you for whatever reason but circumstances ensure that he/she remains friendly. They are the WORST kind. Its like you need a whole new dictionary to really understand them. For example:

"Oh my gosh! Your new haircut is AMAZING!"

translation: "What on earth was she thinking? It looks like an animal died on her head"

Okay so maybe that was a wee bit exaggerated but I'm pretty sure you've got the picture. The sad part is, you may never be able to tell who your frenemies are. But for those of you who believe that you should keep your friends close and frenemies closer, here's my advice. Human beings have been born with something called instinct. So the next time you meet a person and a voice in your head tells you NOT to go ahead and tell him/her your life story- LISTEN TO IT!

  

Broken trust and other sad things

All of us have done things that we are not proud of. Many of us think before we act. When we do something, anything, at that very moment we think we know exactly what we're doing and we often fool ourselves into thinking that we're doing the right thing. But we don't realize the implications of our actions till it's late...too late. We are so driven by emotion and circumstance that we unknowingly give our brain the wrong idea that what our hearts decide "has" to be the right thing. So the brain goes "Hey, looks like she's got it all under control...i'ts time to take a nap". Yeah, my brain seems to be taking way to many of these unauthorized siesta's these days.
Every action, every word of mine is so calculated. I make all these plans and formulate all sorts of theories in my head. But every once in a while there's this strong gust of wind that blows in and clears up the mess I didn't know I had made. So there i'm left, standing alone with my plan burnt  up and crumpled on the floor and the wall i had built nowhere to be seen, thinking "how could i have been so stupid"!
Tonight, sitting on my bed, almost in tears, i realize that nothing-no smiles, no laughs, no fun, no friend is worth losing the trust of people you really care about.
It's ten o clock at night on the 22nd of July 2013 during the fifteenth year of my life and i make a promise to myself that never again, will i let myself get carried away by anything or anyone. Because after banging my head into the same wall over and over again, my stubborn mind has come to the conclusion that  losing the trust of my parents is by far the worst feeling ever.

Keep this in mind...i realized it too late :/

I'll be the first to admit I've got self esteem issues but knowing that the two people who are programmed to trust you, have lost all faith in you? Yeah, that doesn't help either.
For all teenagers out there, there are things that may seem right and things that may make you smile and laugh but if those things will diminish you in the eyes of those who really matter to you...the pain and guilt it will bring later is no match for those comparatively cheap thrills.
I would like to leave you with a question, shamelessly begging you guys for an answer..."What happens when i build a wall around me so i won't get hurt but forget to find a way to protect me from myself?"

Plight of a dreamer

Today, i suffered through the infamous P.T.M and made it out alive..well almost. The common verdict was that i was a very distracted kid. I'm not surprised though, i was always a daydreamer. It never fails to baffle me as to how i was to fight drifting off into some fantasy world where everything is exciting and  new. Dangerous and thrilling in a way that things always work out in my favor at the end of it all. How can i fight the urge to be someplace so much better when i'm sitting in my predictable boring world filled with problems of my own making that somehow have never been solved....just like the math sums in my final exam?  Going off into the sky to somewhere that i am the director, script writer and producer of my own movie in which i have the lead role, where i call the shots, where i have control. Someplace where my daily fairy tale ends happily ever after and where i can be the person i want to be in the real world but lack the faith and courage to do so. My real life soap opera  runs 24/7. It is a thankless job let me tell you that. Filled with people who claim to be my friends, crushes who turn out to be gay and getting thrown around like a pile of dung shamelessly, helplessly alone. Now can you  honestly blame me for wanting to go off in to my own la la land? Yeah, well, try telling that to my teachers!

Masquerade

Throughout my life, i have come to be known as a drama queen. As a little girl, the thought of being the queen of anything gave me a childish thrill. Today, i realize how use full my acting skills actually are. I'm in high school and in my opinion, being a high school-er is ten times better acting experience than any other movie could give you. To quote Shakespeare

 "All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players:
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts,"

its true though, isn't it? Everyone seems to be in a hurry now a days, quick to judge and quicker to make assumptions. Human nature, i suppose. But it has driven us to hide our true personalities driven us teenagers to become classified stereotypes where others decide what we should or should not do or who we should or should not  be. The the girl who is always happy and is always cheering others up could possibly be the girl who goes home and cries herself to sleep for reasons that her heart refuses to betray. The arrogant player could have a heart so big and fragile that he is afraid to risk it being broken. The shy quiet one could be super talkative but afraid to maybe say too much, say something wrong, to speak the truth. I often hide behind multiple personalities that may or may not be my own, but the thing is that i will never know for sure. i got so caught up in my acting that i forgot the part i play in the real world. We are all unique not complicated, we are not weird just misunderstood. Its a giant masquerade out there, people wearing masks to protect their identity but the fact of the matter is, if you really wanted to know who they really are, all you would have to do is look deep into their eyes and read the story their eyes tell you. Till then, just enjoy the party!